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[Apr. 23rd, 2007|02:48 am] |
I recognize that most every single time I try to start writing in here it’s because I’ve turned some minor problem into a catastrophe. That or I’ve finally recognized something that most people and know for a while and have convinced myself it’s much more significant that it really is. This is going to be the latter of the two.
It’s also kind of awkward that I don’t think much of anyone uses this anymore so I’m sure most of this is going to go unread. Looking at Jays, Sutliffes, Mikes, etc journals that haven’t been touched in a few years is a really weird feeling. Especially considering how long it’s been since I’ve talked to any of them, but the entries have a focus on things that I participated in. Anyways that’s my sentimental moment for this entry; the rest is going to be unabated self pity.
I’m really not sure what my emotional explosions qualify as. It’s far to active of a feeling to qualify as depression but on the same token I think its become far to longstanding to be just anxiety. I realize everything is probably a blend and the names are kind of arbitrary but it’s definitely shifted from a more one night then I’m fine type of feeling to a duller continual thing. I think that has to be considered progress.
It’s just a really harsh reality to face that you may have been doing something because you wanted to want to do it rather than actually enjoying what you were doing. That line should be much clearer than it is but I confuse pride with enjoyment when it comes to most things. Getting the occasional pat on the ass, along with being pretty talented at a subject that most people consider far more difficult than it actually is, does wonders for ones egos. Unfortunately once the compliments stop for whatever reason you’re just kind of stuck which is the point I’m at. I’m not sure after everything I really like what I’m set to do. I could live with it a lot more if the implications of me doing something were more direct and visable but realistically the benefit of any job I hold is going to be so far off from the actual process that the determination sparks aren’t really going to be there.
That line between wanting to do or be something and wanting to want to do it has pretty much become my lifelong pothole. It’s not as if I’m always unaware of the difference – most of the time I probably am – but it’s not a particularly easy thing to come to terms with that a lifelong ambition of benevolent work is going to make you an unhappy person while taking a job you absolutely despise for a high salary has a significantly higher chance of making you happy. That pretty much would eliminate any remaining faith I have in people. I think that the satisfaction gained from doing something really benevolent and selfless would be a lot stronger if it was more focused to. If you join the peace core, if you are a physical therapist, anything like that you help people directly most of whom are in a humbling position. If you do what I’m in line to do you help a general group, and usually you help those who can afford it. I’d be a lot more inclined to cure cancer if it was a disease that overwhelmingly afflicted charity workers, and poor immigrants but every time I start to have a piqued sense of “We are the world”ism I see eighty people at one of our parties whom as far as I’m concerned can keep their cancer.
That was probably the worst example I’ve ever given.
The frustrating thing isn’t limited to not having immediate satisfaction. There definitely is a push towards science when you’re entering school now and it’s not just limited to the idea that you’re going to be poor when you get out if your major fails to involve multivariable calculus. There’s also the prevailing idea that anyone who doesn’t enlist in the ranks of the physical scientists is only failing to do so because they’re not capable of finishing it. That’s the type of idea I usually succumb to. In the course of five years I have done some horrendously stupid things when challenged in that way (hitting myself in the face to prove I could bleed on command sticks out.) It’s just one of those things you don’t want people to say after you’ve finished your degree, it should cut into the integrity of it but it feels like it does.
It’s not limited to college either. Even when it comes to political beliefs it’s much easier to have faith in the idea that although imperfect everything is still slowly progressing to a land of unicorns, rainbows, and equal and fair income distribution. It just makes it a lot easier to go into work or school when you think that at the end of it you’re actually going to be properly compensated for what you do. In the idea of how much you actually deserve for doing it you probably are going to be but in terms of getting out what you put in you never will. That’s one of those things you know you shouldn’t care about but you inevitably do and you feel ongoing guilt for it. So you end up subscribing to the functionalism ideals and feigning some kind of opposition to how things are by nitpicking at little points while the mainstay idea that you’re inevitably going to be fucked hangs over your head.
Even things that were more center view when I was younger than they are now still bother me as being symptomatic of the way I’ve come to feel about my major. The whole vegan thing; of course I was reigned into it for the same reason most people I knew were and that’s because it was the centerpiece issue of the glorious scene kids. (I realize how sad it is that my peer pressure was to eat tofu, while most people were being pushed into alcohol poisoning or something similar.) The thing was I never went for most, if any of the animal cruelty ideals. I always would have been fine with free range farming. There was never a point where I could really debate the idea of being Vegan being significantly better for the environment than a standard diet was. The problem was that after a while I became so sick of the horrific logic of most of the people that “agreed” with me that I let it completely turn me off to something that I really should of stuck with if I wanted any semblance of ethical clarity.
So I’ve pretty much driven myself to the point where I have to do something to right the ship and find something I care about before I end up like most forty or fifty year olds. I know I can’t waste any more time on things to appease my own insecurity. I’m taking a little respite from Lafayette for a couple days but when I come back here I need to be what I envisioned being when I came here rather than what I wanted to envision. I do not to be the person who graduates with the ideal of getting his signing bonus to buy a car and a house. I can’t do that. I’m only twenty two and I realize I’ve got a big hurdle already down but the track I’m on is clearly leading to male patterned baldness and a Porsche.
When I get back/over break I need to –
1. Start the training sessions for the suicide prevention hotline – Obviously its significant and prides not one to let me admit that I actually care about most of the people who would call in but it definitely puts me in the better end of the situation I talked about earlier. Specifically helping people who you can empathize with, for better or worse, is a lot more fulfilling than anything I’m going to accomplish in class.
2. Go back down to the Urban Ministries and fill out the volunteer application from before – I’ll deal with hobo-shanking should the need be.
3. Switch over to Political Science bachelors and start railing into classes this summer.
4. Revert back to the vegan ways of years past. Franks still not scene.
5. Continue with the six am work outs. As much as I never wanted to be the guy with any semblance of muscle when I was younger I’ve gotten to the point where I want to be fit. Not to the point of being imposing or anything but there’s something really appealing about being fast. The work outs had a noticeable impact on my endurance through the course of the day as well which would help essentially everything else as well.
6. I’m giving up any unreasonable vices
-Footballs gone. I’m done with the Eagles. I just don’t need something so insignificant to have the unreasonable emotional effect that I let it have on me.
-No TV outside of my HBO shows, and the late night/daily shows. I’m not trying to eliminate all sources of pleasure from my life. Just reign then in to the point where I’m capable of being proud of how I used time rather than regret the amount I wasted.
-Outside of twice a week I cook everything for myself. Easier to monitor my intake this way and eliminate what crosses the line between dietary necessity and weakness.
7. I’m not giving up alcohol. If anything it’s going to get a lot worse.
8. I’m not going to seek out people who enable my behavior, I want people who will challenge it. |
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| Back in use |
[Apr. 22nd, 2007|01:19 pm] |
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My livejournal is a-live, and somehow I remembered the password. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 15th, 2006|01:34 am] |
Whats new?
I think I'm the only person from my high school class not graduating. Its making me rethink the whole second major deal and I might just finish in the fall and skip town.
Still with cheebs, something like 18 monthsish now.
Ireland before fall semester.
Perpetual lab work is going to be the theme of summer.
Now own 2 cats, Dawkins and Bunkley.
Hypnotic and iced tea has replaced water. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 22nd, 2005|10:13 pm] |
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Red hairs gone, now brown. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 15th, 2005|08:49 am] |
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There's something wrong when heading to Newark tommorow and the thing I'm most fearful of is being forced to listen to jews. 20 minutes in the airport on the way home and I was ready to get stabby. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 24th, 2005|09:37 am] |
First time sleeping at Triangle since last wednesday night. Things are good.
Eagles won =) |
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franksnotscene's journal